Wow, long time no blog! I doubt I’ll be blogging much in the next few weeks, because we decided to sell our condo! I was hoping to get it on the market this past week, but Jon went out of town for business so I was caring for Jackson solo, so let’s be real- nothing happened except caring for a baby, washing bottles, and sleeping. I still have cold feet because honestly, I don’t know that our condo will give us enough money for a down payment on a house (it’ll give us a very large portion of it though) and I really don’t want to empty our bank account. So, we may be staying with my parents a little bit longer than we would like, but time flies these days! Besides, it may be kind of nice staying with permanent help! After all, Grandma loves her little Peanut Butter Jelly Baby!
Solo Mom time was actually not terrible, aside from the fact that no gym happened except on Monday. I have been trying to work a few extra hours a week (as in 6 hours extra hours a week, haha) so my Fridays have been shot lately too. But Jackson and I have this whole baby routine down. The only somewhat miserable part was that I went to pick up Laura from work yesterday and take her to the shop because of car issues, and an insane storm hit. It really freaked Jackson out so I had a hysterical baby while stuck in traffic and I felt awful! I even fed him in the back seat but he fussed through most of the feed. But other than that, I actually kind of enjoyed a little alone time.
Jackson had a sleep regression recently, so he was up once a night for a full three weeks. At the end, he started waking up more. So we decided to have him cry it out. The first four nights went pretty well. The longest he cried was 30 minutes and it wasn’t too bad. He slept all night the fifth night. The sixth night he was HYSTERICAL for an hour! And I was just so, so, so, so exhausted. I was running on about 3 hours of sleep per night for the last 3 nights and I lost my shit. I told Jon I was going to throw Jackson against a wall (I would NOT do this, but if you have been exhausted and listening to your child cry, it makes more sense). Thankfully, it got much better after that night and we’re back to sleeping all night again! I have NO IDEA how we made it through the newborn phase though. I was so tired from one night waking!
Being so exhausted just caused a huge disconnect with Jon and me too. Also, breastfeeding hormones can really make sex miserable. Like, painful the entire time. So let’s just say that we aren’t really connecting in the bedroom either. We were unsure if we should put the house on the market if we felt so unhappy being married to each other. I feel a little hesitation about selling my condo because on my income alone, I couldn’t even afford my condo for what I’m selling it for. I would never be able to buy again off of my income! It “traps” me into relying on his income. And really, Jon and I both are committed to our marriage and making it work, but having a baby around and just pushing you to exhaustion sometimes doesn’t make things the easiest. I tend to get irritated with Jon really easily and clearly, I’m not ever showing him any physical attention (I do, but not that kind of attention), so it just makes him feel unwelcome in our own house. We have a lot of stuff to work on, but I think that’s normal in a marriage to have things to work on. It just becomes much more stressful with a baby and with having a new house on the table, because I really am super independent and I think it’s a huge struggle to let go and give Jon that “power.” I’m not even sure how to word that, because it isn’t power.
It’s a struggle though because I bought my own condo. I bought my own car. I bought my own trips out of the country. I paid for my college degrees. I have always been very self sufficient and I’ve always worked really hard to pay for the things I need. Although I love working less (like, LOVE LOVE LOVE it, haha), it is definitely a shift in my identity to no longer be this person who works a ton of overtime and brings home the bacon. And I could totally still be that person, but I don’t want to be that person! I don’t want to work so much anymore! I want to get Jackson ready for daycare in the mornings and be home with him in the evenings! (I also still want to go to Europe and Iceland and everywhere else- that part of me is still there.) I’m totally fine with Jon being the breadwinner and making like, triple what I’m making (which, for this year, will be way more than that- I just looked and I’ve only made $7,000 this year, haha). But I’ve always really felt like it is so important in a marriage that both people be financially responsible, which we are, but I am no longer financially independent. Now that I have a baby to pay for and I am selling something I couldn’t afford again in this market, it just really makes me realize how much I don’t want the life that I had before of working SO much, meaning I can’t possibly be financially independent anytime in the near future.
I know marriage is a partnership and I shouldn’t feel trapped into being married, but I can’t help the fact that that is my mindset at times (and Jon knows this and he doesn’t like it- something I guess I need to work on!). When you argue and get tired of each other (as married couples probably tend to do), you wonder if you’re married because you actually want to be or because you have a kid and it’d be too hard to have a broken home. I don’t want to wonder even more if it’s because we have an expensive house together! That loss of independence (which would happen in any marriage and is not just something I think is related to being married to Jon specifically) is very difficult for me for so many reasons. I know that I want my entire life to be with Jon and our family, but it is still scary to realize that maybe I’m going to have to accept that I can’t actually do this on my own and I probably need to work on making Jon feel like he’s equal in this marriage and that it’s not just me that runs this show. And I need to not let the negative emotions get the best of me. I know marriages have ups and downs. I know how much I love Jon and how much I want him in my life. Just because I’m tired doesn’t mean I need to start seeing how much he annoys the shit out of me sometimes and wonder why the f’ I even married him in the first place! But that sounds so easy when I’m not irritated and upset. I’m so rational when I’m in a good mood, haha. When I’m in a good mood, we’re going to die on the same night, in love, like they did in the Notebook, and when I’m in a bad mood, we’re destined for the D word (not “dick,” the other D word- but they kind of feel the same with breastfeeding hormones! …. that’s a joke…)
This was not supposed to be a post about marriage! Also, I know it was super repetitive and how many ways can I say the same things (or how many times can I say the same thing in the exact same way but four sentences later?), but I think this was a bit of a therapy session for me. I get so wrapped up in what is happening in life and the tasks of our day and caring for a tiny human all the time that I don’t put as much thought into our marriage as I should. I think about daycares and food and cleaning and the impending doom of school starting again and work, but not how to prioritize our marriage. Frankly, by the time I do the things that need to be done in the day, our marriage is the last thing I feel like thinking about, and that’s terrible! That’s not the type of life that I want for us at all! Maybe I need to spend some time thinking and making Jon feel appreciated before school starts again on the 10th, because then all hell will just break loose…
I need to go eat some more dinner and clean the house and relax with some trash TV before Jon gets back from Phoenix tonight!