Jackson’s First Day at Daycare

I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, but I’ll update on that later. More importantly, today was Jackson’s first day at daycare. I am working 4 hours on Thursday morning and am going out of town Friday afternoon, so Jackson will be in daycare until Jon is out of work then. So, today and tomorrow are the days to break him in.

I have been really nervous about sending him to daycare. It’s no secret that I didn’t want kids in the first place and I definitely didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). I’m spending thousands of dollars a year for my master’s in management so that I can eventually become a nurse manager of some sort in the future. Not to mention the fact that I like working. My job isn’t my favorite, but I like bringing home a paycheck and feeling like a productive member of society. I also think it’s super important that both Jon and I can support our family if something were to happen to the other person or their job. Since I only have to work pretty minimal hours (56 total per month) but am able to pick up more hours or even sign a higher paying contract if I want, my job is perfect. And it’s flexible. Also, if you remember, Jon got promoted awhile back and started making commission, which equals what my entire yearly salary will probably be now.

Anyway, so I’ve been nervous to drop Jackson off. I’ve been away from him and am fine with it, but only my parents have ever watched him. I trust them and Jackson LOVES my mom! I just read an article the other day on Facebook about daycares and the things that happen behind closed doors and you hear horror stories occasionally about bad things happening to babies in daycare. Who knows if they’ll neglect him! What if he is left to cry forever?! I don’t know if you’ve listened to a baby cry forever, but it makes you lose your shit and what if one of those workers loses their shit on my baby?!

I decided we’d get up and do our usual morning routine and then once he woke up from his first nap, I’d feed him and we’d go. When I arrived, all the kids were crying in the room! I stayed for awhile to get everything ready for him since it was his first day, but it was really difficult to leave him with so many upset babies there. I told myself that obviously the babies are probably hungry and two women can only feed the babies so fast! I left and was totally fine but obviously thought about him the entire time!

I ran errands and then came home and had lunch and started cleaning. It was so nice to be able to do things uninterrupted. I was deciding between the pool or picking Jackson up, but I wanted to go get my little buddy. I was hoping he’d be happy and all smiles or be asleep when I got there so I would feel much better about this whole daycare thing!

No such luck. He was in hysterics when I got there. I picked him up and immediately fed him. He kept fussing and I could tell he was so tired. According to his paper, he was up until 2pm, so he would have been awake from 9:45-2! That’s SO long for him! It took him until the end of his bottle to calm down and he was smiling when I put him in his carseat.

He fell asleep as soon as we got in the car and then I cried the whole way home. I know it was his first day and maybe he will adjust, but I had no idea how long he had been crying. I have no idea if he cried for the whole time. I asked, but they didn’t really say.

I swear this is almost enough to make me be a SAHM. But then what is the point of paying for a master’s degree? I need work experience to get a management job in the future, although I don’t actually plan on using my degree for a few years. If I quit, I would be writing papers with a child at home. I also wouldn’t have my job to fall back on if something happened to Jon’s. I like the idea of putting away extra money and having flexibility in our lives. I can’t travel if we don’t have daycare! Where would Jackson go? It was also nice to run all my errands without a baby and I would have never been able to go to three stores in one day with Jackson. But… it is SO hard leaving him. It doesn’t help either that he doesn’t have to be in daycare. I feel guilty leaving him there when I can be at home with him. Jon makes enough for me to stay home, but I don’t know if it’s what I want to do. Jon is fine with anything. He said we can shop around for another daycare even if it costs more or I could be a SAHM or I can just work weekends. He is up for anything. But I want to have a “normal” life again. Besides, I don’t have to work THAT much right now, and really, if I go back to my old pay rate (I will), I will only need to work about 45 hours to break even with the cost of daycare, so my 56 hour minimum is plenty. And that is 2 Sunday shifts (since Jon will be home and I have to work 24 weekend hours), two other twelve hour shifts, and an 8 hour call shift. THAT’S IT! I can pay for daycare for an entire month and technically only actually take him to daycare 3 days a month max. And while I HATE working Mondays, Jon usually has slow days on Mondays, so he could spend a few hours on Monday at daycare and that’s it… So… I just need to suck it up. But it doesn’t make it easy…

I came home and changed Jackson’s outfit (he spit up on it) and then sat and cuddled him for a minute before putting him down for a nap. He passed out immediately and I’m sure will sleep for awhile. But those baby cuddles seriously make my day and I could kiss his little bald head forever.

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Happy 2 Year Wedding Anniversary

Happy Two Year Wedding Anniversary to Jon and me! WOOHOO! We made it!

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I’ve said it before (probably in January), but we actually celebrate January 24th as our anniversary since that is the day we really got courthouse-married. But I changed my last name after our courthouse wedding (for travel purposes) and used my new last name at work (legally, I had to because nursing documentation has to match my legal name), and we felt married after our courthouse wedding (which was literally a 10 second spiel in the hallway at the courthouse). So, May 24th isn’t a big deal to us. As a matter of fact, Jon mentioned that this was our wedding anniversary about 50 times in the last week, and each time he mentioned it, I said, “Oh yeah- our anniversary is coming up.” I actually even went to write the date on my freezer bags for my breastmilk about an hour ago and was like, “Hey, what’s the date today?”

Since we didn’t take a honeymoon after our wedding, we went to Europe for our big trip last year over our wedding anniversary as our late honeymoon.

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(In Zaanse Schans, Netherlands. I LOVED this place. And this was also the day after Jackson was conceived.)

This year, we “celebrated” by going to get coffee together. It actually wasn’t a celebration. I just wanted to go outside and the sales rep Jon works under told him to take a workday at home, so he was actually available to go too.

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So much has changed! I have to say, I really loved our first year of marriage! Probably because I was living the life as a travel nurse and then Jon and I went to Europe for three weeks and obviously, traveling is my passion. And honestly, the first year of our marriage was actually really difficult marriage-wise and Jon and I were apart for our first 6 months, but I just had a really good time aside outside of the whole marriage thing… But I don’t think that counts, haha.

(This post is not about Jackson, but I will say that Jackson fell asleep while I was wearing him in the Ktan while we were out for coffee and Jon and I were talking about him. Jon was talking about all the things he looks forward to in the future with Jackson and I totally teared up looking at his adorable face all scrunched up on his arm as he slept because I love him so incredibly much. Being a mom still isn’t my favorite thing in this world all the time, or maybe even ever, but I can’t even put into words how much I love Jackson. Although I’d still really love to go to Iceland too and be able to travel as easily as I used to…)

Marriage hasn’t always been easy and our first year was really particularly rough. And as a matter of fact, Jon drives me crazy on a daily basis. Just last night I was telling him how it kills me how he leaves his socks under the coffee table every. single. day. and how I swear each time I have to pick up a pair of socks, it shaves 20 minutes off of my life. And then I said, “That doesn’t mean you should leave more socks under the table in hopes of killing me off sooner.” Although he drives me crazy, we laugh a ton now. We have made our obnoxious habits into jokes instead of getting so irritated with each other. I cherish the time that we’re together so much more now that we have a baby because it makes my life so much easier! Not only that, but I love seeing him interact with Jackson because he really is such a great dad. He may never be the most helpful husband around the house, but he is an amazing dad and he really does so much for Jackson. He also provides for us so well and makes my life easier because I don’t even have to work anymore. He supports me in everything that I do. If I want to be a stay at home mom, he will support it. If I want to work, he supports it. He supports my education. He even is kind of supportive of us getting another cat!

I told Jon today how grateful I am that having a baby brought us even closer together. I know the first year of having a child is supposed to be tough on marriage, but it hasn’t been tough on our marriage. Tough on me, maybe. But Jon has been so incredible that it just makes me love him so much more and makes me so grateful for his place in my life.

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As another side note, I have no idea where the rank is on Jon’s patrol cap there. Also, we weren’t really allowed to wear fleece hats, but this was taken in the middle of the night (we both worked nights) at a bus stop in Tikrit. We were going to get a new ID card made. And I never really cared at all about wearing the proper uniform. I almost never wore my ACU top under my fleece jacket and I never wore a belt and I never tucked my t-shirt in. I wanted to be comfortable. Comfort>regulation.

I couldn’t be happier that this guy fell in love with me back in 2008 (and again in 2009 and again in 2013, haha). I have no idea why I joined the Army, but I sure am glad I did, because I got one amazing husband out of it (and a ton of money!).

Mom-Bod

Okay, so here’s my mom-bod post. I don’t think my frustrations with my body right now are necessarily with how I look at the moment. My frustration lies within the fact that I have no idea what my body is going to look like 6 months from now and that it is hard to clothe my body right now. I understand that I delivered a baby. I was 98lbs at the beginning of my pregnancy and I gained 42lbs. Of course my body is different! My abs stretched out over an entire baby. I gained weight elsewhere. These boobs make 55-58oz of milk every day to feed my baby. And my left boob, which is my overproducer, looks like an overproducer. It’s definitely bigger than my right. So not only are my boobs huge, but one is even more huge than the other. Regardless of my uneven boobs, my body did and is doing exactly what it should be doing.

But I don’t know what my boobs will do after I quit breastfeeding. I don’t know if my hips widened during pregnancy or if my pants are too tight because I’m still holding onto an extra 12lbs. Adding to that frustration is the fact that I’m in two weddings this year. One I’ve bought a dress for, but I spent $130 on that dress that I will never be able to fit into again. (I bought a size 6 and am usually a 00 or 0.) I’m having another wedding in October and the dresses are custom made and cost over $200 and take 12-14 weeks to come in. Do I wait and order it? Do I continue breastfeeding until October so that I can order it for the size that I am now? If I do that, then I won’t be able to wear the dress again and the dress is nice! I have no idea what to do at this point. But I don’t face that issue just with those dresses. I don’t know if I should buy new shirts and pants to fit my new body or wait. My clothes aren’t the most flattering for the body that I have now, or they just don’t fit at all, but I also don’t care to spend money on clothes that will be temporary.

I did decide to at least invest in some shorts for this summer and one swimsuit top. I’m fine living in v-necks for now.

But shopping was more difficult than I imagined it would be. I tried on a few dresses that just made me look silly. I did try on one that I really liked, but decided not to get it.

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Then we tried on shorts. I think the styles now are just terrible, but I had the hardest time. Everything fit weird in the crotch or was skin tight and looked ridiculous. I ended up finding one pair at American Eagle but even those bunch up in my crotch when I’m walking, so I’m not in love with those.

Then we hit swimsuit tops. I assumed any top that tied in the back would fit me if I bought a large. That wasn’t the case. They didn’t fit my boobs well at all and despite being tied tightly, they were still huge around my rib cage since the actual front area was too wide for me but didn’t provide enough coverage. I ended up settling with one from Victoria’s Secret (thank the lawd for sales, because this top was a $60 top and that is INSANE- but it was 40% off… and I decided to just use black bottoms that I bought at Target the other day instead of buying the matching bottoms for it). Sorry for the weird angle making me look like my legs are 1/4 of my height. And those shorts I actually love but they are SO low (I bought those probably 10 years ago when super low rise shorts were in style and never ended up wearing them because they were way too big on me).

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I still felt very uncomfortable in that top though. Unfortunately, the ones that offered more coverage didn’t fit properly. I just feel like they’re so boobalicious and really, as I’ve gotten older, I just don’t want my girls popping out all over the place. But I should probably enjoy these Freddie bagel titties (big old titties) while they still fill with milk and look perky because these things will probably be in sad shape once I stop breastfeeding. I went with it though, because this was the only top I tried that worked. They had other tops, but they have push up padding (so does this one) but a lot of them were terribly uncomfortable. Breastfeeding boobs are uncomfortable when you try to smash push up padding into half of them.

And in that picture above, I am totally fine with how I’m shaped. My belly isn’t the same as it used to be. I still have the linea negra (although it has lightened up already) and my scar from my belly button piercing is super dark and I have a weird belly button now in general. But I’m fine with it. I even kind of like it. But then I put clothes on…

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and you can tell that my belly is still not quite what it used to be. So, I know it still looks fine. I know nobody looks at me and thinks I’m fat (and I don’t really care if people think I’m fat anyway). I just am not used to clothing this body and I don’t know what it will look like down the road, preventing me from buying clothes that I actually feel comfortable in right now.

I also have shirts that need certain bras and I am not buying special bras for these boobs (halter top bras, racerback, etc). I’ve actually been wearing all sports bras from Target which I prefer, but they are super full coverage and also super hot. But I think the underwire contributed to my mastitis last time and I’d like to avoid that again. So I only put a real bra on for short outings, and usually I’m too lazy for it then. Thankfully, I really like the sports bras from Target and they are shaped in a way that prevent me from looking like I have a flat uniboob. But they do stick out of a lot of shirts (see that dress above- the black in the neckline is my bra).

I did not expect to be frustrated with my body postpartum. I have never had body issues in the past and have been totally fine with how my body looks, even though I’ve gained and lost weight and muscle and even boob sizes over the years (they went from a very full C to a full A to a B before I ever got pregnant). I just assumed this wouldn’t matter. But getting dressed just drives me crazy and so does not knowing what my body will do in the next few months. I definitely am not self conscious and don’t think my body makes me unattractive and Jon still really loves everything about it, but the frustration!!!

Anyway, so that’s all I have to say about my most recent shopping experience. Hopefully once we get Jackson to daycare next week and I can start working out and have time to prepare more food, my belly will at least get to how it’ll usually be so I can figure out the shorts/pants situation and will only have to deal with the boobs!

Weekend Recap! Wedding Showers & Coffee Time

Hey-o. It’s such a nice Sunday evening! I had a pretty boring week last week. It involved lots of errand running. I’d like to say it also involved gym time, but really it involved me eating a lot of food and not working out. I guess because I know Jackson is about to go to daycare, I know my schedule is about to normalize. Back to work and back to the gym. So, I’ve kind of gotten away from the gym again because I want to soak up this time at home and with Jon before “real life” starts again.

But for a quick recap…

Tuesday night, Laura and I went to Target to get stuff for Gina and Brian’s wedding shower and to try on shorts and swimsuit tops. No luck on the clothes. We also got a wok for Gina and Brian. All Laura and I ever do together is run errands, which is really nice because I get friend time in and I get a lot of stuff done while Jon has Jackson.

I met up with Lisa and Baby Ella on Wednesday for lunch at Fresh to Order. Ella is a month younger than Jackson and she slept the entire time! Jackson was awake and again, was a great baby while we were there! It was great to catch up with Lisa and talk to another mom, as always. Jackson was up for hours though and fell asleep before we even left the parking lot. I seriously contemplated driving around 285 (it takes about 45 minutes) so he would nap longer, but I ended up getting into the wrong lane so I decided against it. Instead, I found out that there is a drive thru coffee shop one exit away from my house! It’s not visible from the street but it had great reviews, so I checked it out! The donut was really good but the coffee was just okay. The mocha was really syrupy, but I’d give their other drinks a shot! Drive thru coffee is the most exciting thing ever with a baby! I always want to go grab a coffee but never want to stop and drag Jackson in for that, and I’m not a huge fan of Starbuck’s. And also, I love donuts. Love them. A lot. I did notice that a Dunkin’ Donuts is going in literally right next to my condo though! I’m not sure when it’s going it, but it’ll be in the gas station and I cannot wait!

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Thursday was a Costco run and preparation for Gina’s wedding shower. Lots of cookie crushing and strawberry cutting and cleaning mason jars!

Friday night was Gina and Brian’s shower. My sister came in town that day so I went up to my mom and dad’s house to introduce Jackson to her! I was there for a few hours before heading back downtown to Gina’s so we could start setting up for the shower. We set up the food and Kassie and I worked on our decorations. Jon was going to go pick up Jackson at my parent’s house and miss out on the party, but I ended up calling my mom last minute and seeing if she minded keeping him overnight. She didn’t mind, so Jon was able to join us too!

A lot of people ended up coming to the shower and it was really fun! We played that game where you put a famous person/character on everybody’s back and then the person asks questions about the name on their back to everybody else. It was actually a really great ice breaker type of game and got everybody talking to each other. After the party cleared out, the girls sat inside chatting and the boys hung out on the patio drinking beer (just us close friends).

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Random story: I sent Jon a photo of me in that dress after I put it on. He told me that I looked pretty and I tried to voice to text, “Except for these big old titties and this big old belly!” My voice to text came out as “Freddie bagel titties and this big old belly.” Hahahaha. I died. So now we talk about my Freddie bagel titties.

Jon had to pick Jackson up early on Saturday morning since my mom wanted to go to work. I used the excuse that I had to pump first thing in the morning and couldn’t go, but really I just slept until Jon got home, haha. Jackson was so tired when he got home (at 7:45am), so we put him down for a nap right away. I pumped real quick and laid down and Jon had already fallen asleep. We all slept unit 11am! And I woke Jackson up at 11, too! It was insane!

I decided to call Laura to see if she wanted to head to the mall and try and find a swimsuit top and some shorts that fit me. What I thought would be a short trip was really like, a three hour mall trip. I will save the post about my new mom-bod for another time because I don’t know where my phone is to upload some pictures. Let me just say that I had such a frustrating experience, but I did find a swimsuit top and a pair of shorts. So I guess it ended up being a success, even though I’m not in love with either item that I bought.

Saturday night, Jon and I went to see Crista and Billy’s new house. They don’t have any furniture in it yet and Jackson was so tired, despite taking plenty of naps that day. We decided to go grab some beers and some dinner. I wore Jackson and he fell asleep for almost the entire time, so that was nice because we got some uninterrupted time to chat.

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This morning I slept in again. (Mostly because I was up from 5-8 even though I was exhausted.) We took Jackson to my mom and dad’s again as soon as we got ready and then headed out to look for cars for Jon. Even though his Jeep is only a year old (and was brand new when we bought it so we lost so much money on this dang Jeep), we HATE it. Well, I probably hate it more. But the seats are ridiculously uncomfortable and have given Jon so much back pain and Jon decided he wants an automatic now. I wanted a family vehicle with comfortable seats and enough space in the back to rear face a carseat without putting us up against the dash in the front. So, we’ve narrowed it down to a Chevy Tahoe or Silverado. I like them both a lot, actually. He needs to repair his windshield first (it has five cracks in it- I don’t know what it is about the windshield but it cracks all the time and we’ve already replaced it once in the last 14 months!) and get an estimate, but I have a feeling within the next two weeks, the Jeep will be gone! I can’t freaking wait, even if we’ve lost a ton of money in the last year on that stupid Jeep. We basically just looked around at the cars today though since we have a few things left before buying, and then went and picked up Jackson.

Oh yeah, and we tried Tom + Chee today. Have you guys heard of that? It’s supposed to be this fancy grilled cheese place and I kept hearing good stuff about it. Um, no. It was so greasy and for two grilled cheeses (two grilled cheese?), two soups, and two fountain drinks (I have no idea why I started drinking soda again- I haven’t drank soda in 10 years and I suddenly want soda!) it was $30! $30! FOR GRILLED CHEESE! And I felt like I had an extra 40lbs sitting in my stomach after I finished it. No thanks. Never again.

We ran to the mall so I could look for a dress (I found one I liked at the mall but they were out of my size) and see if I could get another pair of shorts and then came home. I headed to Whole Foods for a grocery haul and now we’re home.

I’m so excited because my sisters are back in town this week! Annie and Tank (my nephew)  fly in on Wednesday, so I’ll probably stay at my parent’s house with Jackson on Wednesday and Thursday night. I’m sure Jon will enjoy having a break and it’ll be nice for me to be able to run out (GYM! And I CAN GET MY TOENAILS PAINTED!) when I want. Friday, Tonie comes back in for the weekend, so I’ll stay back at my house, but I’m sure we’ll be at their house all weekend.

Weekend Update & Daycare Thoughts

Happy Monday! So, I didn’t specifically say this, but Jon went to Florida this past weekend so Jackson and I had our first weekend alone! Last week was really rough with him but he ended up being great on Friday and aside from his meltdown on my coffee run Saturday morning, was also great on Saturday. I actually really enjoyed my time with him and am definitely liking spending time with him a whole lot more these days. He smiles and laughs and talks to me and I love it. I do look forward to the days when it’s even easier to get out and about, but we’re making it! I won’t run to the store to pick up eggs, but we do go out a lot more now. But anyway, I’m just thankful he was so good this weekend. I think that when it’s just the two of us, he’s much easier to get to stay on a schedule. He goes down for naps really well and things just go smoothly!

Sunday morning, I had brunch with Katy and Laura. The three of us were best friends in high school, but Katy and I kind of parted ways earlier on in college (after a bad trip on shrooms- my how times have changed!). We have been acquaintances for a few years now, but she moved to Europe years ago and is living in Spain now, so I only see her maybe once or twice a year. But it was great to see her and have brunch! Jackson did amazing the entire time and seriously smiled and laughed at me the whole time. Melts my heart!

After brunch, I headed straight to my mom and dad’s house. Of course, Jackson doesn’t want to nap at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, so after really fighting sleep, my mom and I sat out on the patio and chatted while Jackson napped on her for 45 minutes. Jon got in from Florida and came to their house and hung out with us! By 5pm, Jackson had only had one two hour nap, a 20 minute nap in the car, and a 45 minute nap on my mom (compared to three 2 hour long naps), so he was not happy!

All three of us came home and Kassie met me at our house to work on some stuff for Gina’s wedding shower that’s this Friday (HOW did that happen already?!). Jackson was so fussy last night from not sleeping enough. Oh goodness- overtired babies are terrible.

Anyway, Jackson is back to normal this morning. It’s SO nice out today! I want to get out but at the same time, I kind of want to be lazy at home after getting out all weekend long with Jackson by myself. It’ll be a busy week anyway. Wednesday I’m having lunch with Lisa and Baby Ella and on Friday, my oldest sister will be in town for half the day. I’ll have to run out this week to get all the stuff for Gina’s shower. If I get around to it, I need to get her a shower gift also (or else I’ll get it for her for her wedding). Laura and I are also going to meet up one night this week and go shopping for another pair of shorts for me. I’m hoping Jon gets home in time for me to run to the gym today…

In the last bit of news, Jon and I went to check out our future daycare two weeks ago. He had been wanting to ask some questions and I wanted him to see where our baby would be going! We got there and I knew they said he would have a daycare slot in June or July, so I asked how the wait list was looking. They told me he’d have a slot on May 14th! I was so shocked and when we went to show Jon the infant room that Jackson will be in, I was trying so hard not to cry! And then as soon as we walked out, I started crying! Jon was like, “I thought this was what you wanted!” and it is! I don’t want to be a stay at home mom! It’s honestly just not realistic with being in grad school. It took so long to get anything done this past semester once Jackson was born. He was napping for 2 1/2 hours at a time when I was in school still, but by the time I pump, I have 1 1/2 hours max to get stuff done for school. And I need to eat and shower during those time periods too. So unless I want my entire day to be spent hanging out with Jackson and trying to squeeze in grad school or doing it when Jon is home in the evenings (and not getting any family time), then I need time without him during the day. And to pay for daycare, I want to work to make up for that money, plus it’d be nice for me to be able to make extra to put directly into savings every month. I like having a job too, just in case anything happens with Jon’s job. I want to be able to pay our bills if I need to. But, I don’t know. It’s really hard to think about being away from Jackson regularly and trusting strangers with him. I’m totally fine leaving him with my mom and dad. I loved mine and Jon’s entire weekend away from him! I know my parents are giving him one on one attention and my mom is cuddling him and loving on him! This is definitely going to be harder though. I know that I’m not, but I feel kind of like I’m abandoning him! It’s so crazy how before he was born, I was dead set on daycare. And I still totally am, don’t get me wrong, but it is much harder than I thought it would be. But it’s May 16th and I haven’t heard from the daycare. If I don’t hear from them this week, I’ll call them and try to get something set up next week. My sisters will be in town all of next week (the one who is coming through on Friday will be coming back), so I’d rather not pay since I won’t be working anyway. I do need to get back to work though! This week makes 12 weeks (which reminds me that I need to quit my other job…) so maternity leave should technically be over!

Okay, I’m going to go hang out and be lazy and watch TV, haha.

Weekends with Jackson

Hey guys! It’s a beautiful Saturday outside! I’m on Single Mom Duty this weekend, which kind of sucks because it’s a beautiful weekend and I want to be out enjoying it! Unfortunately, all of my friends had plans today, so I’m just spending the day alone!

Let me start with my morning though. Jackson has been sleeping until 6:30ish in the morning (HALLELUJAH!), so we had our hour of hangout time before he went down for  a nap. I managed to pump, eat, and shower during his first nap, so when he woke up, I decided we could enjoy some of this weather!

Jackson does great when I wear him! He usually looks around for awhile and then falls asleep, so I knew we’d have a good morning. It isn’t even very hot out either, so perfect for baby wearing (wearing them is incredibly hot because your bellies basically become heaters against one another). We went up to get coffee at Mugs on Milton and I got lucky and found the perfect parking space and parallel parked like a champ (it’s been awhile). I put Jackson on and wished I had remembered to bring a hat. He doesn’t have any, so I usually use Jon’s to block the sun from his bald little head and sensitive blue eyes. I decided to just hold his burp cloth over his head to block the sun. We went to the coffee shop and another baby in there was fussing and of course, my baby was being perfect. I ordered an iced coffee and a biscuit and then went outside since I can’t wear him sitting down. It’s not comfortable and he doesn’t like it. So I ate my biscuit standing up at a table, dropping a million crumbs down my cleavage… Then we started walking and I realized how hard it was to cover his head with one hand while drinking coffee. Since it was iced, I decided to drink it as fast as possible so I could shade his little head more effectively and then we could head over to the Farmer’s Market. On our way to the Farmer’s Market, he started fussing. And fussing more. It hadn’t even been two hours since he ate, I knew he hadn’t pooped, and he normally does great! I realized he wasn’t going to stop fussing, so I put him in the car seat. He was crying but he normally stops once the car gets going. (By the way, all of that happened in about a 15 minute time span.)

Nope. He didn’t stop crying. Instead, he just had a meltdown while I drove and looked for shaded parking lots so I could get out and try to feed him. I finally found one a few minutes later at an ENT surgery center, so thankfully it was closed. We sat in the front seat and I fed him and thought about how it’s a good thing he’s so dang cute or I’d probably have gone crazy. He calmed down enough to go back in his car seat once he finished eating so we got back on the road. He chatted up a storm for about 15 minutes and then passed out.

We got home and I found one dirty diaper so we took care of that and I immediately put him down for a nap. Whew.

My, how times have changed. In my pre-baby days, I would have been sleeping in or going to the gym and having brunch with Laura. Or I would have made plans for my Saturday off work, since I used to work so many weekends. I would have at least enjoyed a cup of coffee slooooowly. Instead, I experienced my first public meltdown, although we were outside (thankfully).

I have no idea what the rest of my day has in store. Not much. It’s just Jackson and me, so we may go walk around outside later. Last night we went to the Town Center and walked around since it was so nice out. Jackson crashed, but I still enjoyed it. Even if I just walked by a bunch of people having dinner without any children…

I didn’t do a ton this past week. I did finally clean my floors and I ran a bunch of errands. I bleached all of my diapers since I managed to give Jackson a yeast rash on his butt with the antibiotics I’m on for mastitis. They are also causing him to poop a ton. Like, 7 times a day. I started him on a probiotic so hopefully that will help, but I haven’t changed this many poop diapers in forever. And since I don’t want t bleach my diapers repeatedly, I’m using disposable diapers and I am reassured 100% that cloth diapering was the best decision for us. Disposables stink. I hate the smell of them! And my trash can is filling up so dang quick with all the diapers (I don’t have a diaper pail because we don’t use them with cloth).I don’t know why I just talked about poop and diapers for so long. Cause I’m a mom now. That’s why.

I need to get new shorts to fit this mom-bod. I can only fit into one pair that I own. Maybe when Jon is available again, I can go. I can’t babywear to try on shorts and no way am I taking a stroller with me to the mall on a weekend. Too many people.

Okay, this was boring. I’m done pumping and am going to go nap since Jackson is still asleep!

Postpartum Body :/

My month is almost up at CrossFit Dojo. I’ve still been pretty less than impressed. There still hasn’t been one day that a warm-up has been really encouraged and the programming is pretty poor. However, the coach has been supportive of me doing whatever I want for scaling, which is nice. I also have 17 more days to use LA Fitness until my membership goes back on hold, so I took advantage of that today and it really felt nice to be back there.

But, working out postpartum is 100 times harder than I thought it would be. I had been told by so many people that because I was so fit before getting pregnant and because I worked out until almost the very end of my pregnancy, that “it would all come back so easily.” I’m convinced that all those people who spouted off those lies to me had never had a baby before.

It did not come back to me. I have always had an insanely strong core. I struggle doing 10 sit ups now. My feet come off the floor and I barely make it up by number 10. My abs are completely shot. My lower back hurts so bad if I try to lift heavy, so I have to avoid it. All of my lifting is much lighter than I would have ever lifted before. I can still do pull ups, but probably 25% of the amount I could do before. I did 7 minutes on the elliptical today and while I got up to a speed of 7 (on level 2, hah), I definitely felt like I was dying. My right knee has been giving me so many problems and the bottom of my left foot has been super painful. I am so stiff when I stand up now that I hobble around for a minute until I limber up a little bit.

I plan on YouTubing transverse ab videos so I can work on those and hopefully get some core strength back. After doing some sit ups yesterday, my incision was too sore to do any ab work today. So, I’ll rest my abs for a few days and start on the videos. I also have my referral to a physiatrist. I had all sorts of issues finding a physical therapist with my insurance (they are all in the Emory system, but nobody knows how to get in contact with the physical therapists when you call the numbers listed- I spent TWO hours trying to get in contact with one), so I asked if this physiatrist could help. The girl at the desk said she thought so, so if my first appointment doesn’t convince me, I’ll try to get in contact with a PT or pay out of pocket (a lot of money) for the postpartum PT that my OB referred me to. I know I need help in recovering this body.

Aside from the setbacks with working out, this body still just doesn’t feel like it’s mine. I really hate having big boobs. HATE IT. My clothes don’t fit right. My boobs jiggle all over the place. They aren’t cute. And my belly is still just not the same. I feel like it looks fine naked and really, a little extra skin doesn’t bother me a whole lot. But in clothing? It just isn’t my own belly. Clothes cling to it. Between my big boobs and my loose belly (which separates down the middle- it’s not just round), getting dressed is a real pain in the ass. The majority of my clothes don’t fit right. The dress that I’m wearing to be in Gina’s wedding looks ridiculous on me. I don’t feel self conscious about my body, but I just don’t really like it.

Ugh, Jackson is up AGAIN so I need to go tend to him.