I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, but I’ll update on that later. More importantly, today was Jackson’s first day at daycare. I am working 4 hours on Thursday morning and am going out of town Friday afternoon, so Jackson will be in daycare until Jon is out of work then. So, today and tomorrow are the days to break him in.
I have been really nervous about sending him to daycare. It’s no secret that I didn’t want kids in the first place and I definitely didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). I’m spending thousands of dollars a year for my master’s in management so that I can eventually become a nurse manager of some sort in the future. Not to mention the fact that I like working. My job isn’t my favorite, but I like bringing home a paycheck and feeling like a productive member of society. I also think it’s super important that both Jon and I can support our family if something were to happen to the other person or their job. Since I only have to work pretty minimal hours (56 total per month) but am able to pick up more hours or even sign a higher paying contract if I want, my job is perfect. And it’s flexible. Also, if you remember, Jon got promoted awhile back and started making commission, which equals what my entire yearly salary will probably be now.
Anyway, so I’ve been nervous to drop Jackson off. I’ve been away from him and am fine with it, but only my parents have ever watched him. I trust them and Jackson LOVES my mom! I just read an article the other day on Facebook about daycares and the things that happen behind closed doors and you hear horror stories occasionally about bad things happening to babies in daycare. Who knows if they’ll neglect him! What if he is left to cry forever?! I don’t know if you’ve listened to a baby cry forever, but it makes you lose your shit and what if one of those workers loses their shit on my baby?!
I decided we’d get up and do our usual morning routine and then once he woke up from his first nap, I’d feed him and we’d go. When I arrived, all the kids were crying in the room! I stayed for awhile to get everything ready for him since it was his first day, but it was really difficult to leave him with so many upset babies there. I told myself that obviously the babies are probably hungry and two women can only feed the babies so fast! I left and was totally fine but obviously thought about him the entire time!
I ran errands and then came home and had lunch and started cleaning. It was so nice to be able to do things uninterrupted. I was deciding between the pool or picking Jackson up, but I wanted to go get my little buddy. I was hoping he’d be happy and all smiles or be asleep when I got there so I would feel much better about this whole daycare thing!
No such luck. He was in hysterics when I got there. I picked him up and immediately fed him. He kept fussing and I could tell he was so tired. According to his paper, he was up until 2pm, so he would have been awake from 9:45-2! That’s SO long for him! It took him until the end of his bottle to calm down and he was smiling when I put him in his carseat.
He fell asleep as soon as we got in the car and then I cried the whole way home. I know it was his first day and maybe he will adjust, but I had no idea how long he had been crying. I have no idea if he cried for the whole time. I asked, but they didn’t really say.
I swear this is almost enough to make me be a SAHM. But then what is the point of paying for a master’s degree? I need work experience to get a management job in the future, although I don’t actually plan on using my degree for a few years. If I quit, I would be writing papers with a child at home. I also wouldn’t have my job to fall back on if something happened to Jon’s. I like the idea of putting away extra money and having flexibility in our lives. I can’t travel if we don’t have daycare! Where would Jackson go? It was also nice to run all my errands without a baby and I would have never been able to go to three stores in one day with Jackson. But… it is SO hard leaving him. It doesn’t help either that he doesn’t have to be in daycare. I feel guilty leaving him there when I can be at home with him. Jon makes enough for me to stay home, but I don’t know if it’s what I want to do. Jon is fine with anything. He said we can shop around for another daycare even if it costs more or I could be a SAHM or I can just work weekends. He is up for anything. But I want to have a “normal” life again. Besides, I don’t have to work THAT much right now, and really, if I go back to my old pay rate (I will), I will only need to work about 45 hours to break even with the cost of daycare, so my 56 hour minimum is plenty. And that is 2 Sunday shifts (since Jon will be home and I have to work 24 weekend hours), two other twelve hour shifts, and an 8 hour call shift. THAT’S IT! I can pay for daycare for an entire month and technically only actually take him to daycare 3 days a month max. And while I HATE working Mondays, Jon usually has slow days on Mondays, so he could spend a few hours on Monday at daycare and that’s it… So… I just need to suck it up. But it doesn’t make it easy…
I came home and changed Jackson’s outfit (he spit up on it) and then sat and cuddled him for a minute before putting him down for a nap. He passed out immediately and I’m sure will sleep for awhile. But those baby cuddles seriously make my day and I could kiss his little bald head forever.