So, I’ve posted some random life updates but since Jackson is still napping (PRAISE THE LAWD) but should be waking up soon so I don’t want to get into any school stuff, I might as well update on the more emotional aspect of it. I guess I haven’t done that since I don’t feel as though I have a ton to say, but I shared tons of posts about my hesitancy regarding having a baby and how I would feel after.
I will start out by saying I don’t understand how parents say they don’t remember life before their child. Maybe their lives were boring or unfulfilling. How do you not remember what life was like before you literally had a ball and chain (okay, I know that’s figuratively and not literally- but it feels like “literally”)? I think if I ever hear somebody say this now, I will probably want to punch them. Like, HOW DO YOU FORGET HOW GREAT LIFE ONCE WAS?! I love Jackson a ton. I really do. I would be seriously devastated if anything happened to him and Jon and I already said that if anything ever happens to him (which I hope it does not), we would never be able to have another kid. The thought of anything happening to him is terrifying. However, if I could go back in time and not have a baby, I probably would. Gym at noon? Sure! Coffee for an hour over blogs? Yes please! Sleeping till 10am! GREAT! Booking trips to Europe for 3 weeks on a whim?! ABSOLUTELY! See what I’m getting at? Now, if I want to go to the store, I have to think about when Jackson will want to eat. When will I need to pump? Is he going to sleep the whole time? And dangit, he woke up starving 5 minutes from home and I’m not pulling over so he’s going to have to scream his head off because I didn’t even think about the fact that it was time for him to eat during my drive home (yes, that happened 2 days in a row).
I don’t feel like life makes sense now that I have a baby. I don’t feel fulfilled. I feel like I love him and I feel like that love will continue to grow and I will be grateful that I had him. I think it will only get better from here, although I will miss his little baby snuggles and sweet faces and cute little sounds. But I can definitely say that I do not think I was “meant to be” a mother. I’ve felt like a lot of things in my life make sense. I remember driving home from work after a long day in the ER and thinking about how my life was exactly where it should be. Joining the Army was the right decision for me. Becoming a nurse was the right decision for me. Even seeking out the position as an ER tech 6 years ago was the right thing for me. Marrying Jon was the right thing for me. Even sleeping with all those people I probably should have never slept with was the right thing for me. It made sense in getting me where I was. I can’t say that yet about Jackson. As much as I love him, I just haven’t decided yet that life is better with a baby.
I was texting the girls about getting dinner on Saturday night and one of them texted back about maybe going to a place close to here so it’s easier for Jackson and me! Woah, hold up. I spend ALL OF MY TIME with this little dude. I don’t want to bring him to a dinner with the girls! That’s what Dad is for! To hang out with him while I go have fun sometimes! But then, people just don’t really want to hang out with you anymore- they just want to come see the baby. Which I get. I love seeing my nieces and nephews too, but as the mom, you’re just not even really a person anymore. You’re just like this baby transporter who brings the cute little baby to see everybody. Like, hey guys, I’m still a person too! Remember me?! I’m still fun guys! I know I go to bed at 8:15 a lot of times (but I got crazy and was up till 10:30 last night- that’s how you know I’m adjusting!) but you can invite me out sometimes too! I’m still cool!!!!! I don’t even wear Mom-jeans yet!
Overall, this has been less emotional than I thought it would be. I’m only just over a month in and the first two weeks were hard. Somehow this month has been like, the longest month of my life. I feel like three weeks ago was a lifetime ago. We’ve grown soooo much in three weeks, haha. But really, things change quickly. I’ve adjusted. I’m more accustomed to our life. I don’t have crazy ups and downs emotionally (although sometimes I just really want Jon to get home cause if I have to spend 10 more seconds with a baby who is boycotting all of his naps for a day, I might lose my shit FOR REAL). I thought for sure around the two week mark that I had postpartum depression, but that feeling is completely gone. I sort of just feel like I’m going through the motions of every day. I try to soak in little moments like the way Jackson looks up at me when he’s eating or how he says “Ahhhh” after every sneeze (OMG SO CUTE!) or the little fuzz on his arms and back or the cone shape of his head. I just love these things that are going to be so transient and I’ll never get back. But, it’s boring. It’s tiring. It makes me want to stab my eyes out sometimes. I dream of sleeping through the night instead of going to Paris (that might be a bit of a lie- I still dream of going to Paris but it seems way more irresponsible to spend money on that when now we really want a bigger house and have a child to pay for).
Alright, the beast is stirring. Right on time! Better go feed that boy!