To be selfish, or not to be selfish?

Happy Monday! I survived a work weekend + Monday! Thankfully, it was an 8 hour day working with the kids and this Monday in CEC (children’s emergency center) was way better than any Monday I’ve had with the adults. I’m just really loving me some peds lately.

Want to know why I’m blogging now? Because I plopped down in this chair as soon as I walked in the front door and I don’t even feel like walking these sausage legs to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I have nothing else to do online, so why not bore you with my life?

I’m really debating on whether or not to go to Florida this weekend. I really debated it back in May too, and staying home won out. I love seeing my niece (just one) and nephews (all four of them that live there) and getting to see the in-laws, but I just don’t want to give up three days in a row off work to commit to being out of town.

In our travels to Europe (the pictures may never come…), I think I remembered again how much I love traveling outside of the country. Not that I ever really forget it, but there’s nothing like leaving the country to kick that wanderlust back into gear. Jon and I dreamt of selling our condo and moving to Europe for three months to explore. Or just sending me back out on some travels in whatever way I can manage (which will be easier when Jon starts a full time job). I don’t know. Traveling is my passion. I wish I could pick up and travel regularly.

But traveling with a baby (this topic is now shifting to babies and travel)? No. Not going to do it. I know somebody at work told me that I could take my kids to Europe with me. Um, let me think about that. No. I bought my own way to Switzerland and Italy for my first big trip and I’m not about to be paying the way for some little sticky kid who won’t even appreciate what they’re seeing. The point of traveling is to be free from your life at home and to explore another area fully. How hard is it to do that when you’re concentrating on your kid not getting snatched up or taking 45 minutes to dress your kid in the morning?

So, I’m having a big regression in my want for kids. Although I still know that I’d adjust to my life as a mother and would love to have adult kids in the future, I just can’t even imagine life where I can’t just be selfish and pick up and go where I want, when I want.

I can’t imagine a life where I can’t pick up and just go to the gym when I want, or run to CVS in 20 minutes flat. I can’t imagine having to worry about what I’ll do with a baby if I get called into work during the week. What about writing papers in silence? Or just silence at all. I love silence. I also love uninterrupted sleep. And sleeping in until 9:30. And drinking coffee as slowly as I’d like…

And so I think I’m just clinging to this childless life as much as possible. I don’t want to go spend time with more kids (even if I love them dearly) because I might be surrounded by one 24/7 sometime soon. I don’t want to give up a three day weekend off, because three day weekends will never be the same (and if we don’t have kids, it’ll be at least three years before a weekend doesn’t having grad school creating some black cloud looming overhead). So when I have these days off where I can have all the friend time I want or I can just go chill with my mom and dad, it’s hard to spend 12 hours in the car and then give all of my free time away.

But then I feel guilty, cause you know, life isn’t really all about me. It’s about my relationships and my husband and our family. While Jon doesn’t mind that I don’t go with him to Florida, I still feel like I should be there. But I’ll now only have 4 weekend days off each month because of new requirements at my job, and we’re going to Florida in July, plus I’m dedicating two weekends in August to my friend’s wedding. I just… need this me time. I’ve been working my ass off lately, and I need some solitude. Or a lot of solitude. I just need it, okay?

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To end our chat, here’s the coffee from Hodgepodge Coffee that I had tonight with Gina. Interesting place.

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7 thoughts on “To be selfish, or not to be selfish?

  1. I don’t think it’s really being selfish… as someone else who is almost 30 and occasionally thinks about kids, I kind of get it. I do have a lot of friends with kids and it’s gotten to where now, almost all my friends have kids. There’s still a LOT that Clay and I want to do and we know that having a kid would put a dent in those plans. Still, my mom had me at 39 and while I don’t want to wait 10 years before having a kid, I try to remember that I have time and women have kids later now.

    In other news, I’m glad you had a good Monday! I can’t wait to see the Europe pics when you get them up but life is busy and I get that. You’ve had the job change and a lot of other stuff going on so you gotta give yourself some grace on the blogging front 🙂

    • I think I just need to pop the babies out sooner than later and adjust! I’ve really done a LOT of fun things in my life (that I NEVER want to stop doing), so it’s not like I really need to put it off for any reason. Besides, I can’t imagine being in a better place than now and I know that maternal instinct is probably never going to hit me hard. If we go too long without getting pregnant, I think I’ll close this shop up and we’ll just be DINKs or whatever it’s called!

  2. You may change your mind about traveling once you have them. At first when they’re babies and toddlers not so much but once they can talk and walk, you’ll start to bring them around with you more. Or if grandparents can take them for a week or so during their vaca. Or put them in a summer camp. There’s ways around it. The hardest part for alone time is before they enter school, when they’re the most helpless. The years fly by though, they’ll be in grade school before you know it.

    Enjoy your time now before children, those are the times that takes two decades to get back. Sometimes you can find real cheap domestic flights for nearby airports, like I get e-mails about close flights for $79. Would save the 12 hour drive. I heard Ryan Air is trying to come to the US too.

    • I would definitely be using the grandparents! My mom and dad both will be working full time for about 10 more years, but my mom has taken time off in the past to fly to Wisconsin to watch my nephew while my sister has gone out of town in the past. I think once they get in school, I can do it. But it’s just that thought of ALWAYS having somebody around me (which, when it’s my kid, I might like)!

      • Yeah you never know what really happens when you have your own kid. I have friends who didn’t want kids and when they did, leaving them for work broke their hearts. I would consider hiring a babysitter once a week or every other week if you need your you time. Babysitting sites run background checks and require CPR licenses, someone young is cheaper. I used to baby sit for like $10/hr in college every other Friday. Find a gym that has a babysitter included. Babies and toddlers sleep A LOT so you will have tons of peace and quiet, not just always when you want it lol. Get them used to napping from the start and lay off the sugar! Baby proof a room and have them play in it while you have your mommy room. There’s way to have your sanity and you time while still being a mother. And create a schedule with John. The best is when both are active parents and take on the same responsibilities.

      • We will definitely have to figure something out! If we ever even get pregnant! LA Fitness has childcare, but I won’t be able to keep doing ClassPass. It’s something, though! And I would probably do a at-home daycare during the day with our work schedules instead of a public one. There are ones in our area that I already looked at online with really good reviews. I’d HAVE to do daycare even on off days (at least 1 day a week) to get grad school stuff done, or have my mom and dad watch them on a weekend while they’re off so we can get work done. Fortunately, I think we’ll be able to afford to do that! It’ll just be SO DIFFERENT!!!!!

      • My aunt had an at home day care for years, the kids loved her. Now she takes care of her grandchild when my cousin is at work. I think you can put on your taxes the daycare stuff too. Yeah kids changes things, some people think it’s easier when they’re really small and some it’s easier when they’re older. It all depends which age groups you like best. Haha.

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