“You really need to gain a few pounds.”

“I really have no idea how I got here – was looking for my own healthy living weight plan, but now I feel compelled to write something. I’m a dude and just have to say that you are a beautiful woman!!! I love women with some structure to them and so do a lot of men, you have the right-shaped womanly figure and the face of an angel. I have found that women like you who get to their right weight are not only gorgeous but happy and healthy (and not neurotic like the skinny chicks). The point is health, and you seem to understand that. Here’s to you being the healthiest and happiest you can be! Keep up the good work. Regards…”

I read this today as a comment on an “About Me” section of the blog of a woman who reached 283lbs and was working to be healthy. She looked great and was working hard!

But can I just say something here? First of all, the “right-shaped womanly figure?” Is there a “right shape” now? I didn’t know the right shaped woman was 250lbs. I didn’t know she was 150lbs. I didn’t know there was a right shape to a woman.

Second of all, “not neurotic like the skinny chicks?” Are there neurotic skinny chicks? Yes. Are there neurotic women who still weigh 250lbs? YES! To act like thin women are neurotic is insulting.

I see the positive side of what this guy was saying. I do. And I think it’s great he reached out to a woman to give her a job well done! But why do people think they need to put down other women in order to compliment one? That’s like saying, “You really look good in that dress. Not like that other slut over there.” Why not pay a compliment in a completely positive light?

“You have a figure that I find attractive and the face of angel- PERIOD

“You’re not only gorgeous, but happy and healthy- PERIOD

In reading that, I was reminded of my coworker. I have no ill feelings towards her at all when I say this, but she constantly tells me to go eat a cheeseburger or to gain weight. Not to mention all my other coworkers who tell me that I “can eat that donut” or that I “need to gain a few pounds” and why do I go to the gym cause “you’re already too small.” But one is very consistent in commenting on my weight.

I want to just clarify that I am completely comfortable with my body. I like the size that I am and am not at all insecure about being a small woman. Would I gain a few pounds if I could? Yeah, if it meant that my hips would be like, 1/2″ bigger so that I could more easily fit into some pants- but not so that I’d look different.

I just think it’s downright rude to comment on somebody’s weight in that manner. Perhaps I wasn’t so secure in my weight- can you imagine what being told to eat cheeseburgers would do? What if I hated how thin my body was and hearing that ruined my day? What if I had disordered eating and focused on my food all the time? What if I was a 300lb woman? Would you tell me to go eat some carrots or to go run a marathon? Would you go up to her and tell her that she really needs to lose a few pounds?

I don’t want to eat donuts because they’re bad for me (but I do eat them sometimes, like today). I don’t want to work out to lose weight, but to make sure that I don’t get osteoporosis in my old age since petite white women are at the highest risk for it and my mom broke her back when I was 11. I also don’t really care about gaining a few pounds but if I was going to gain a few pounds, it would be of muscle and not from donuts because I don’t gain fat.

I think if we’re going to comment on a person’s body (but my thought on this is that it’s completely inappropriate no matter what- I never tell pregnant women that they look like they’re about to pop and I never comment on somebody losing 100lbs unless they mention it themselves first, nor do I ask tall people if they play basketball), it really just needs to be positive and it needs to be without inadvertently shaming others. Overall though, your two cents on what somebody else looks like probably isn’t necessary.

New Nursing Job Interview!

Today was the big interview day!

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Thank god for that Banana Republic suit I bought in 2011! I tried on some of the dress pants I have in my closet and come to find out- only my more casual dress pants from Charlotte Russe fit me! I invested (it was definitely an investment at right at $300) in that suit for my interview as a nurse at the job I have now. Any petite ladies, Banana Republic is your friend. Although, their dress pants are still too big on me and I could probably take in the skirt slightly (it’s not enough to notice), this is the only place that has business clothes that even come close to fitting me. (I just bought the blouse the other night from there too.)

I was surprised to interview with only the manager of the floor since the interviews I did for my current job has a whole panel of people! It was much more casual and a much shorter interview, but she asked some really hard questions. They were behavioral type questions, but not any run of the mill ones that I had already prepared. And at the beginning, she said I didn’t have to pull answers from my nursing experience- it could be from anything, even something as simple as buying shoes. But I answered a question using an example from a school project and then after she said, “Well what about in your job?” I still feel like that part went fairly well though.

I changed into scrubs after to shadow on the unit. I was a bit disappointed because I was hoping this was the general med surg floor, but this is actually the neuro unit and hem/onc overflow, which was what I wasn’t as excited about. The girl I shadowed only had two patients so I didn’t see a ton, but it was definitely totally different from ER! I really liked my Portland travel assignment because it was slow paced- but it was still ER. I’m realizing that this “slow pace” is going to be completely different.

Whether or not I will be offered the job, I honestly don’t know. It will definitely be full time for a year or so until I could switch statuses and it’s really hard to wrap my head around working every third weekend and a set schedule again. One of the things I love the most about my job is my freedom with my schedule. In reality though, to get into a new field of nursing, I am probably going to have to go full time. If a day position is on the table, then I may need to jump on it. I’m just not really ready to drop down my hours so much at my current job because that’s my home and I love my coworkers and manager there, and good management is hard to come by! But in order to advance my career in the future, these are steps that I have to take.

I’m going to write up a thank you note tonight and wait and see what happens! I’ve heard rumors that the money is good, but it will have to be really good for me to go on full time and give up what I may now at my job.

Aside from that, I’ve been working a bunch and not working out as much as I’d like. I’ve been so exhausted lately and I’ve been getting headaches, so it’s not really appealing to go to the gym. I’ve only gone twice this week (although, I’m still usually going 3-5 times a week regularly) which really doesn’t seem bad, but I’ll have a 16 day vacation followed by 128 hours of work in 2 weeks, so I doubt I’ll be working out much then either. I also took Tom to the vet this week cause he woke me up when Jon was out of town last weekend with scratching his. I found out he has an ear infection (Tom didn’t enjoy his visit). He also weighed in at 17.8lbs- big fat cat.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing with my time. In just over a week, Jon and I will be in Europe, hopefully drinking some European coffee and doing lots of sightseeing. I’m super excited but also can’t believe that it’s SO CLOSE!

Sunday Funday

Happy Sunday evening! I have really loved having this whole weekend off! I didn’t sleep great again last night (Jon gets back in town tonight- thankfully a good night of sleep should be ahead of me!), so I skipped my morning workout for laying in bed later. Tom has been scratching his ear in the middle of the night, so I guess we’re off to the vet this week to make sure he doesn’t have some sort of fungal infection. His left ear over produces wax, but I try to keep it cleaned out. He never scratches it during the day, but has woken me up the last two nights scratching. I want to make sure to take care of it before we head out of town for 2 weeks though, so poor Tom will have to endure a long car ride to the vet (I like my vet too much back where I used to live to switch).

Anyway, this morning, Kassie and I went out to the Chattahoochee River to take her dog for a walk!

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Her dog was pretty pumped and it was a really pretty day for a walk! I love being on the water! Kassie had to head up to her parent’s house, so she dropped me back off at home after about an hour of park time!

I headed downtown to go have coffee with Gina! I felt like I was in heaven getting all this friend time! Gina and I went to get some coffee and then decided to look at some open houses in the area! The houses were all $4-600,000, but still fun to look at! It’s nice to dream! We hung out on her porch for awhile afterwards and then I headed to Laura’s house.

Laura is leaving for China for a work trip tomorrow, and then I leave right when she gets back for mine and Jon’s trip. I don’t usually go so long without seeing her, so I was just stopping to give her a farewell! We chatted for a bit and then I came home to finally clean up the house!

I’m throwing together some dinner now and then I’ll be starting on the bathrooms and floors! Jon should be home in about two hours and I’m excited to see him and hear about his weekend! We only talked for about five minutes this whole weekend and only sent a few texts here and there.

Off to be productive! Have a good night, everybody!

Saturdays Off Work!

I’m so bummed about not having anymore weekends off till the end of June! This one has been so fantastic already!

I didn’t sleep very well last night since Jon is out of town, so I stayed in bed till close to 11. I contemplated going to the gym but decided to take a rest day. I’m very rarely not in the mood to work out, so when I’m not, I typically don’t go.

Crista and I had plans to hang out, which I was really looking forward to! It has been so long since we’ve spent a day hanging out without the guys around! I headed down there and she took me to Krog Street Market for breakfast!

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I got cheddar waffles and bacon and a mocha! I’ll be honest- the mocha wasn’t that great and the waffle came with honey. I didn’t realize it till I poured it all over my waffle- but I’m 100% a maple syrup girl! The waffle was actually really good though. Super soft and fluffy! And the bacon was good too and good bacon is hard to come by!

We ended up going down to the pool with about 7-8 other people that Crista knows. I’m realizing in my old age that I don’t really enjoy hanging out with random people. I’m much more of a quality time person, and spending my precious time off (I say that a bit jokingly, but really and truly- I don’t get much weekend time off and like to spend it wisely) with people I don’t really know isn’t exactly my cup of tea. After about an hour, I decided to head out to clean my car. Crista still wanted to hang for a bit, so we went to the park that I’ve been wanting to go to!

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I love that park, right in the middle of downtown! Atlanta has actually gotten a lot nicer in the last few years, with building places like that and making it a little more active, and that kind of draws me in. The traffic and lack of parking keeps me from wanting to live downtown and the cost of living has been increasing quite a bit lately, but I do wish I could be closer to all this stuff to do all the time.

Anyway, after the park, I decided to head out. I went to my mom and dad’s to finally clean my car! I dropped off a ton of my clothes at Goodwill and then got right down to business! I haven’t cleaned the inside of my car out in over a year. Entirely too long. Especially since I traveled across the country in that thing for so long! The cleaning took far longer than expected because my parents decided to change out the porch light while I was trying to vacuum and turned off the breaker to the exterior, so I couldn’t vacuum until they were finished. Silly parents. I definitely got all in there and cleaned it hardcore! I do love me a clean car! Maybe as a goal for 29, I’ll keep my car cleaner. I did tell myself a few weeks ago that my car should be an extension of how I keep the house, and my house would never look like my car did!

After my car was spotless, I stopped by Whole Foods and came home and make dinner since I hadn’t eaten since my waffles and I was starving!

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I decided to cut up baby bellas and some onion and sauté it in a pan with some garlic. I added some spinach and made me a little veggie side that was so good. I haven’t been cooking many different things lately at all cause I’ve been lazy and just throwing together that was a nice change. I really need to get some creativity back in the kitchen. I’ve been a little boring lately.

By the time I finished eating and showered, it was 10pm. I had planned on cleaning the house, but instead I left it a mess and will have to do it tomorrow evening! I’m hoping to do a deep cleaning one last time before heading out to Europe since I think this will be my last chance before we go!

I’m off again tomorrow (YAY!) and I just stayed up later than I have in quite some time (1am). I cancelled my ClassPass workout again in the morning since I’m just not feeling ClassPass this weekend for some reason, but I hope to wake up in time to get to LA Fitness before the day starts! I’m hanging out with Kassie tomorrow for some sort of outdoor activity so it’ll be another good day! Looking forward to it before heading back to work on Monday!

How Far I’ve Come in 29 Years

Happy 29th birthday to me! I used to really hate birthdays. A lot. I guess I’d hype them up so much and then they’d fall short, but then again, things typically seem to fall short when you’re depressed so that could be why all my birthdays in my early 20s were so horrendous. My 21st birthday was spent in the basement of the crappy dive bar in my college town, drinking a pitcher and probably lamenting over my ex-boyfriend to one of my college acquaintances. I don’t even know where my best friends were.

Things sure have changed in the years since then (thank you lawd). A little throwback into my early 20s, just so you all can really get a feel of how great it is that things have changed for the better:

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I actually picked this picture because it’s during my most depressed years (18-22- I think I was probably 20 here), when I was close to my lowest weight. I stopped eating when I was depressed because I had no appetite. I think the lowest I got was down to 86 or 87lbs (I’m 5’0″). I looked sick. I was drinking alcohol all the time, not eating food, not sleeping, crying nonstop, calling my ex-boyfriend 90 times a day and driving by his house (cr-a-a-a-zy), using sex as a source of “happiness and control” (doesn’t work), and just being an overall hot mess. I also had a really fugly hair cut. WTF.

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Those were some rough years. Surprisingly, I made it through them (there were many times I would have rather killed myself than kept on going). I *gasp* found somebody (eventually, still way down the road) who makes me extremely happy and who really does love me unconditionally (even if it took him a few breakups to realize it). But more importantly, I faked it till I made it and I learned to love and accept myself.

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Greece, 2009. Just after my deployment to Iraq.

I stopped worrying about my past boyfriends and focused on nursing school. I traveled the world with friends and started working. I started doing CrossFit and found my jam. I was happier than I had been in years. I evened out my moods and focused on what was really important.

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When I first went back to my new gym, CrossFit North Alpharetta, after 6-8 months out of the gym. You can see the weight loss again there. 2011

I think that anybody who has ever experienced depression knows the roller coasters that you go through. I took time off the gym during another low and after a move. I started going out and drinking again, dating guys that were clearly not taking me anywhere (this was during mine and Jon’s breakup), and just being a bit reckless again- but not nearly as bad as my early 20s. Then I found a new CrossFit gym, where I started lifting heavier than ever. I stopped going out. I started spending far too much time with my cat and watching way too many episodes of Sex and the City by myself at home. I even spent one New Year’s Eve with my cat after driving to Atlanta at 10pm and realizing that I didn’t want to hang out with anybody but my cat. Seriously. I wasn’t necessarily depressed at this time, but I was at a flat low. Just blah. No oomph to life. But not bad.

Then I kicked the low again and picked back up being happier. Figuring out who I was after a three year relationship and what I loved about myself again. The gym provided that outlet and also got my weight back on me and just reminded me why I love being fit and healthy. Although I still made some poor dating decisions, I was really happy with myself and those poor decisions weren’t because I was trying to fill some void- it was more for fun that time around. But I wasn’t empty anymore. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I felt good.

And now, as I enter my last year of my 20s, I’m definitely happy. I’ve accomplished a ton. Throughout all those ups and downs, I came out happy, healthy, and successful. Although I swore I’d be married with babies by 25, my life has been more than I expected. I made a 3.6GPA in my undergrad even though I drank for half of it and had no motivation, I got my associate’s in nursing, followed by my bachelor’s, and am now starting grad school in the fall. I’ve been working in the same ER for 5 years next month, with two travel assignments and more job opportunities opening up now. I’ve traveled the US, traveled the world, and I’m not stopping here! I’ve pursued my goals and achieve almost everything I’ve set my mind to. I’ve found a medium with the gym that works for me, without having all these excessive breaks to help keep my moods stable. I married a loving husband who supports me 100%, and he provided me with some really amazing in-laws and nieces and nephews (and I was fortunate to have been around for the beginning of all of their lives). Of course, I have my wonderful family and mom and dad too! I’ve got one hell of a life worth living, and I’m so fortunate to have come so far!

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Camel’s Hump, Vermont. 2014

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About to hike Mt Katahdin, Maine. 2014

Now, after my 8 hour work day, I’m going to go relax on my couch, all by myself, and watch some trashy TV until I hit the sack in about an hour. And yes, with my cats. Both of them. And I hope they both hang out on the couch with me. And I’m not going to be the least bit sad about spending my 29th birthday in such an uneventful, noncelebratory way.

Lists: Athleta, Atlanta, Interviews, and Cats.

1. I have an interview next Friday! It’s a FOUR HOUR interview (holy smokes), but I think it might include some shadowing. If not, that’s insanely long. Surprisingly, the job is at the children’s hospital for a general med-surg floor. They typically don’t hire new people for day positions, but apparently the manager said she could right now. The big downfall right now is that it’s a full time position, which means I’m tied to three days a week and having to get PTO to take vacations again. We have a lot of prior engagements this summer, so I’m not sure how that would work. However, I actually really do want to work there since people love their jobs at Children’s, but we’ll see… I really don’t want to leave my ER job and taking on a full time job elsewhere would make it hard to be there as much as I’d like, but I figure it can’t hurt to interview.

2. I bought these new capris (I was also excited about having access to a full length mirror when I went to my parent’s house):

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I have a few pairs of capris but I don’t really like any of them. They hit at a weird spot (I have big calves so it looks weird if they don’t go past my mid-calf) or the crotch comes down too far or they’re just weird. I really wanted a pair for our Eurotrip so I planned on hitting up Lululemon for a pair. Well, no Lulu at the mall I went to (I had the wrong mall) but they had an Athleta. I tried on this pair and I was in love. Seriously. These things are freaking awesome. I’ll be honest, I tried to look them up on the website and they all look the same. They were “on sale” for $59 and I think when the next sale rolls around, I’ll buy another pair. They make my butt look good too. Win. (Side note: When I got home from the store, Jon saw the bag. I put them on for him and he asked if they were Lulu. I said no , that they’re from Athleta and he goes, “Good. That place [Lulu] is way too expensive.” Haha.)

3. Jon and I made a 7 layer chip dip the other night.

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I used to make this all the time in middle school (it was one of the three recipes I knew- the other two were cheesy spaghetti noodles and pink stuff), but with not ever eating chips these days, I just don’t make dips anymore. I had a few bites at a baby shower I went to the other week and had a serious urge to make some! It was seriously so good. Beans, taco seasoning, guacamole, salsa, sour cream/cream cheese, green onions, cheese, and olives. Mmm Mmm.

4. I got my period this morning. A full week late. No babies here! I was disappointed and I’m still feeling impatient. Everybody who had problems getting pregnant at work swore by using the ovulation predictors and said how fast they got pregnant once they used those. Nope. It just makes me wonder if we’ll be able to do this naturally, but I know that realistically, it’s still only two months in.

5. Waking up was hard to do this morning with Fat Cat laying on my bed. (I know it looks like it’s night time, but it was just 5:30 in the morning.)

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Love his fat belly and little face. Kitty normally sleeps on the bed too if Jon sleeps on the couch, but she ditched me last night for the window seat.

6. Tuesday night, Crista and I had plans to meet for dinner. She somehow talked me into driving downtown for a 7pm yoga class in the park. First of all, I hate yoga, and second of all, driving to Atlanta in traffic sucks. (She works near my house, so I assumed dinner would be close by!) After sitting in traffic for an hour, I gave up and decided since I was already downtown, I’d go to Kassie’s house. We made some dinner and then went on a nice walk in Piedmont Park. I sure do love this city (minus rush hour traffic on a Braves night).

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Well, time to go. I’m enjoying a nice leg/foot massage while I type this. Jon is treating me to one willingly since tomorrow is my birthday and we most likely won’t spend it together (I think I’m going to stay home while he goes to Florida). I picked up at work tomorrow, so I’ll be there for at least 8 hours! Boo! But my supervisor agreed to let me work with the kids all day instead of having to deal with adults.