Something you may or may not know about Jon and I is that we don’t know if we want kids ever. When we were camping in Maine, we had a nice long talk about how if we had kids, this wouldn’t be happening in our lives (we only went to Maine cause of my travel job in Massachusetts). So the idea of getting pregnant isn’t like, “Ooooh well it might as well be now.” It’s more like, “BUT I DON’T WANT STICKY KIDS FOR THE REST. OF. MY. LIFE!!!!!!”
I take preventative measures, obviously, not to get pregnant since I do know how one gets pregnant. But I notice that now every time I get sick, I think “WHAT IF I’M PREGNANT?!” I got sick way more this last winter than I have ever working in healthcare. I have no idea why. I was always getting a cold or losing my appetite or feeling nauseous. And every time, I wondered if I could be pregnant.
This happened again recently. I was getting nauseous at night and even got up one night thinking I was going to vomit. I, of course, realized that it has been a month since last seeing Jon and I could totally be growing a tiny human inside of me!
The thoughts I have are literally something like this: If I got pregnant now, I could still fit at least two more travel assignments in. I wonder if Jon would go back to work full time so I could have better insurance. I could be a stay at home mom and never work again. That sounds nice. Should I just try and go to Iceland now, before I get too pregnant? What if I never travel again? Kids cost so much money. I wonder what Jon would say if I was pregnant. I really would rather travel than have kids. Maybe Mom and Dad will watch them all the time and I can just take the baby a few days a week. I wonder if I can leave it outside if it cries. Maybe we should just sell the condo and then Jon can be a stay at home dad while I keep on travel nursing.
So, clearly, even in my 28 years of life, I don’t have that baby itch. I think I could be a really cute pregnant person as long as I don’t swell into a balloon like my sister did, but then I realize that I will have to live in sweatpants and t-shirts since they don’t make maternity clothes for 12 year olds. Therefore, I can’t even be a cute pregnant person. Sometimes I even wonder if my hands get too fat to wear my wedding ring if people will just think I’m a pregnant high schooler and I’ll get hate stares all day long. Hopefully they’ll note by crows feet and know that I can’t possibly be in high school anymore.
Also, even if I was a cute pregnant person, I would have a child in my house for 18 years. Taking all of my money. I want to travel. I don’t want to pay for diapers and Lunchables (just kidding, if I ever do have kids, they will not eat Lunchables)! But if I have kids, I could teach them how to do laundry and clean bathrooms at the age of 5, and then they can get jobs at 16 to pay for anything they need. I could have slave babies. I might never have to clean my house again!
Maybe I should practice abstinence just to be sure that I never get pregnant. I don’t think having kids for the sole purpose of cleaning your house is acceptable. And I’m pretty sure Jon might not keep his vows to me if abstinence were to happen. Men. Always thinking about right now and not the possible babies we might be creating! That baby would really put a damper on our lives, Jon!
By the way, I’m not pregnant. At least not as far as I know. That middle of the night nausea was probably just from eating too many Trader Joe’s peanut butter cups or something. Praise the lord.
(And before people be hatin’, I wouldn’t actually have slave babies, I don’t think… I’ll just keep my fingers crossed and my chastity belt on in hopes of never having to face those decisions.)