I changed my mind for this post but I can do that cause it’s my blog! But really… I did make it through the pictures I wanted to get through and will post them soon.
Today I went to New Hampshire with ehvid. We had planned on some hiking or whatever but mostly just drove around the White Mountains and did some sightseeing! I’m absolutely loving all the sightseeing up here! Amazing sights! After I dropped her back off, I stopped by Whole Foods and was so excited to find that it was the one that Jon and I went to that had fried plantains and strawberry shortcake! So of course, I ate my dinner!
But I was just lonely tonight. I don’t know if my two days of exploring without him got to me. I’ve always been very independent and have always taken trips without him and we used to be long distance! We even broke up for over a year! I knew that I’d miss him terribly while I’m traveling for work, but I think I’m surprised at how much. It’s hard for me to really define what I mean by “missing” him. I don’t miss him like I’ve missed him or my ex boyfriends in the past. I miss him in an entirely different way.
I still am grateful to be living this life that I have. This is what I love to do. I love to travel. I love seeing new places and exploring new things. I never cared about getting married but I have wanted to see the world since I took my first trip to Italy in 2007. If there is one thing I’m passionate about, this would be it. I believe that marriage is making sure your partner fulfills his goals (I’m using his cause I feel this way about Jon) and that he doesn’t grow old wishing he had done something differently or feel that his marriage held him back.
Tonight Jon told me that this is what I chose to do, so missing him was basically my choice. Was it? Absolutely. I did choose this. I chose to continue down the path that I wanted for my life, knowing that at the end of this fork in the road, the roads will meet back up. I knew I’d be leaving my husband at home while I work in other cities. I know that everything you do in life is technically a choice, but I also think that what you love sometimes just presents itself. I was never raised in a family that travels and I never really cared to travel much growing up. But, on a whim, my friend asked me if I wanted to go to Italy with her before I deployed and I said yes. I was hooked. If I take one trip, I’m hungry for another. It’s what I absolutely love. Would I rather enjoy painting? Yes. Traveling breaks the bank and it takes a lot of time from work. It’s hard to do with a big girl job and big girl bills. But I can’t make myself want to just stay at home and stop exploring.
When he was telling me that I chose this (and I believe he said that it was hard to be supportive of me missing him), I know he wasn’t being angry or harsh or anything, but it just seems careless. I have always supported his dreams of med school (though he isn’t there), and know that if I still have my house or just get a new job, I will be staying in Georgia while he goes to med school. It’s the sacrifice that I feel you make in a marriage to ensure than your spouse is happy in their life too. But Jon and I do have very different views of marriage because we were raised with very different examples of what a marriage should be (maybe another post- maybe not).
Anyway, to get back on topic… I really just missed him. I wanted to drive home and see him and just hang out at home with him and the cats and watch a movie together. I wanted to be in a familiar place and go get dinner together. When I think about this week or next week without him, it’s fine. But when I think about having another 8 weeks or more before I see him, it’s a long time. And then I know that I’ll be packing up again to go across the country without him to do this all over again. (Plans may change.) Life just isn’t the same without him here.
The love I have for him as my husband is completely different than the love I had for him as my boyfriend. I can’t explain why, but it is. And I’m sure if we had kids, the love I’d have for him as the father of my children would be different too. But we may never make it there!