I’m trying to identify things that I need to work on within myself. Despite being pretty much perfect, I can think of a few things 🙂 One of them I was thinking about on my way home from a class that I had for work this morning. I really don’t live for today much. I don’t appreciate all the things I’m doing now because I see every day as a stepping stone towards something better. But really, what is better? I couldn’t wait till the end of nursing school because I imagined having a plethora of free time. Did that happen? No. Life is 100 times better out of nursing school and way less stressful, but instead of nursing school filling my life, work and biology fill my life. I made it to the gym once in the last week because I’m so busy with work and school (and preparing to go on a cruise next week).
It always seems to me like the grass is going to be greener at the other end of the tunnel (I know that’s not the saying, guys!). Like if I just move forward enough, I’ll be able to relax, take some deep breaths, and just enjoy life. Like somehow life is going to magically encompass hours of free time a day and I will be able to take weekend trips and go to Iceland and I’ll eat fantastic food and be happily in love.
I do work hard for things. I work hard so I can spend $5000 a year on a 21 day European vacation. And then I enjoy my vacation immensely and come back and start all over, working 55 hours a week so I can go on a trip next year and hopefully get some new floors in my house and pay for spring semester of college.
This came up today because I was thinking about how nice it was out and how I really wanted to go outside today, but I spent my morning in a class for work, I’m getting my hair cut shortly before the cruise, and then I’ll spend my night in class, making plantain pancakes before my batter that’s been sitting in the fridge goes bad, and doing homework (although I’m thinking about getting crazy and going for a run first). I was thinking about how I can’t wait until May, when I’m not in school.
But May isn’t the end of my education. I still want to go to grad school. I want to change the path of my career. I want to do travel nursing first, which means I’ll be away for months at a time, probably not relaxing. And hopefully by the time I finish traveling and going to grad school, I’ll be ready to pop some babies out cause all I really want to do is retire and travel, and I need my kids out of the house before that happens.
So is life really ever going to calm down? No, probably not. I really thought it would be awesome to be an adult and just go to work and come home. Like, when I was little, my mom had the easiest job in the world. She just worked and then sat at home with us. But now I wonder how the hell she kept a 3,000 square foot house clean with 3 kids and a husband and grocery shopped and worked? No wonder she quit making dinner once we all got into high school! I can barely keep my 1,100 square foot house clean after just Jon and myself and my messy cats. I have been kind of glad that Jon has been getting home later because then I don’t have to prepare a meal.
Life hasn’t slowed down at all. There are periods of time where I may have a little more extra free time, but then I fill that with the gym. Sometimes I get to see my friends more than others (right now is a time where it’s a struggle to see my friends because my schedule doesn’t allow it). I really can’t just go through each insanely busy day looking forward to the day that it calms down, because I don’t think life really calms down. And I thrive on being busy (high cortisol levels, anybody?! riiiight here!), so I probably create some of that myself. I thrive on overtime pay, because it pays for more of a vacation in less hours worked.
What I need to do is spend time appreciating each day, not letting my schedule stress me out, and really work to find a balance. When I feel so busy, I get stressed when things don’t go my way, and that’s really not cute on anybody. Quick example- Jon and I won’t be home for the same weekend until November (this is one possible weekend he may stay home, but I work that Saturday and then I work Sunday night). Sunday was our last real day to spend together because we’re both really busy in the evenings after work and class. So when he decided to play fantasy football for two hours, I about lost my shit (or did lose my shit… depends on who you ask!). Those things shouldn’t affect me so much, because I shouldn’t even be worrying about the next two months when I’m thinking about today. There’s a difference between having a plan for your future, and planning your entire life.
I still need to figure out just how I’m going to actually work on this, but I’ll let you all know what I decide 🙂